(I wrote this post last week and didn't publish it. But then I after getting an encouraging email from an online friend, I decided to put myself out there and publish it.)
I don't usually get really personal on here. I guess I have a thing for my personal business being all over the internet for the whole world to read but I really just needed to rant somewhere.
I am in pain.
Yes, when you see me, I will probably have a smile on my face. But I'm good at wearing a mask - good at seeming like I'm OK when I'm not.
The truth is I am in pain almost all day every day. I have been to see my primary doctor three times (if you count the first time when I saw the nurse practitioner, which I still paid a whole co-pay for, so I count it).
I've been to my gynecologist, a GI doctor and a surgeon.
I've had 2 ultrasounds, a CT scan, a colonoscopy and countless pokes and prods in my belly.
I've been on antibiotics that caused me to throw up for 12 hours. I've starved myself and took boatloads of laxatives for a colonoscopy prep. I've been on gabapentin and Lyrica for nerve pain as well as some vastly expensive cream junk that's supposed to help nerve pain. I've lived on Advil and Demerol and sleep only with Ambien.
I have been made to be spacey, tired, dizzy and emotional.
And guess what?
NONE OF IT HELPS!!
Not one iota!
But do you care, all you medical professionals out there?
No, you don't.
You toss me around like a hot potato that no one wants.
You prescribe me countless medicines that don't work and cost me lots of money.
Then you refer me to someone else and forget about me.
It doesn't matter that it takes weeks between each referral.
It doesn't matter that I've been in pain for over 3 months.
It doesn't matter that I can no longer do anything for longer than 10 minutes without being in pain and having to rest.
It doesn't matter that sitting on bleachers to watch my son play basketball puts me in horrible pain for the rest of the day.
It doesn't matter to you because you're not the one in pain.